Bender's Big Score Part 1/Transcript
Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead! :owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is. Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela! :walks into the view carrying Nibbler Leela: Here! Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry! :spits out Fry Fry: Here! Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez! Bender: Here! on Fry and Leela from above Cerveza, por favor. :pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong. Amy combing her long hair: Here! :long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg. :pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine! Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth! :steps out of the way Farnsworth: You're all fired. Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo! Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network. :to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license. :an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye Fry: We were canceled? Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop. :phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up Farnsworth: Yes? I see. :hangs up Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence. Staff: Woohoo! Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly. Staff: Woo! Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries. Staff: Woo? laughs Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder. Fry: Why? Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses. :puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder" in his trousers Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire. :stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans? Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air! :staff look at him blankly Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship! Staff: Woooohoooo! Bender: We're back, baby! :parties. Bender is limboing All: Party! Go, go, go! Cubert: Lower, lawn mower! Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine? Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built. All: Hooray. Fry: Way to bend it! Bender: You're the greatest, Bender! Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that. Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman. Staff: Ooooohh... :rips off his shirt Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres. :and Leela fetch down one of the sabres hanging above a fireplace Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine. :changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword Hermes: Lower. :limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly Bender: The fat guy wins! Fry: Go, Hermes! Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad. :remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck. Scruffy: Oh, no. :body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him. :Head museum Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy? Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill. :head is sitting on a pedestal Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty. Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo. Zoidberg: Tell me about it. Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo! Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job! :man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello. Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye? Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it. Leela: Oh. Do I know you? Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars. Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you. Lars: Nice to be met. Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat! Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away! :machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat Amy: Lars is so flirting with you. Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite. Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up? Leela: No. Stop being so immature. Fry: I'll show her who's immature. Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you. De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and... :picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy. Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby! :and LaBarbara come in LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean! Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all-- LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy. Hermes: He has a daddy! LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right? Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days. LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father. Hermes: LaBarbara, no! Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet. Staff: Woohoo! Bender: So long, jerk. :['''Advertisement': Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]'' Announcer: voice-over Futurama is brought to you by ... oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a can of Torgo's Executive Powder. ... Torgo's Executive Powder. to cutouts of human heads and shoulders going into a grinder, producing pink powder Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption. :a woman shakes some Torgo's Executive Powder into a toilet, then flushes Torgo's Jingle Singer: singing When your toilet smells like faeces, from some disgusting species; make it take a powder, with Torgo's! :The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building. Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years. Fry: That's not the wheel. :is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach Leela: It's nice out. :crew starts stripping down Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be? Zoidberg: Watch and learn. :strips out his shell and warbles around :gags ::''Nude beach crowded with all manner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs Bender: You know, it's funny. Fry: What? Bender: Your weiner! Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me? Amy: I'm in! Leela: I'm in. Bender: Yeah, I'll go. Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener. :outdoor bar on beach '''Fry': Here's your package, sir. Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis? Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here. Bartender: Mind if I use your pen? Fry: Well, that's not a... :bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC Fry: And initial here. again OC Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express. Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass. Fry: Me neither. Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror. Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop. :walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE" ::''Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth. Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition? Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen. Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do. Bender: Really? Down with those guys! Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address. Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address. Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say. Bender: Them again? :signs "Bender@iloveBender.com" under "awong76@marslink.com" and "zoidberg@freemail.net" :nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about. Schlump:: Animals? :signs the petition Schlump:: And your e-mail address. Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you? Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk. ::''Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails Leela's Wrist Thingy: You've got spam. Leela: Spam, spam, junk. Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy. Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants. Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed. Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number. :takes out a wad of cash Amy: Is cash okay? :computer literally sucks up the wad of cash :is checking his e-mail inside of his head Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. :"Scan for virus?" alert pops up Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here. :repeatedly clicks "No" Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby. :virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense :scuttles in Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died. Amy: When will those antidepressants get here? Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife. :is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed? Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money. :whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all. Hermes: I am here!' Farnsworth': Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium! ::''conference table. Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery? Leela: No, it's a scam! Farnsworth: My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings. Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information! Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery. Amy: No, don't! Leela: It's a scam! Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!? Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich! :bell rings Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"? Nudar: Hi. We own your company now. :shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured Farnsworth: Hwhaa? Bender: Welcome, boss. Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus. Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare Presenting our new masters! ::''Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now Bender a stack of crates bigger than he is: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master? Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus! Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd. Amy: Yeah! Fry: Yeah! Leela: Hi-yah! :launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick :chuckles Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver. :puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS" Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness. Zoidberg: Finally, some respect. :turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one. Amy: I feel a little better. :Planet Express Lounge Bender: Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh? Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control? Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers. :walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad" Lars: Greetings, earthlings. Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars. Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else. Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing? Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute. :chuckles Bender: It's a fake place. Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do? Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband. Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy. Hermes: Everybody loves Slim. :box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex. Lars: Well, maybe I should get going. Fry: Yes, I'll show you out. Amy: No, Leela will show him out. Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela. :Planet Express door '''Lars': So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--? Leela: Nope. Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner. Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?" Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought. :chuckle Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00? Leela: Okay. :at the lounge... Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her? Amy: Yes. Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni. Leela: Lars asked me out! :Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression :Planet Express Hangar Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters? Fleb: Sprunjing for information. :sprunjes a wall Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open! Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody! :starts hitting the wall with his head Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck? Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh? Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do? Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... moans Information. Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored. :quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses :finishes beating up the wall with his head Bender: Hey, look, a safe! Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies. Nudar: No callsies! Open it! :very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall. Fleb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples! :nudists start moaning :and Leela enter Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me? Leela: Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it. :nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all Nudar: Who are you? Fry: Philip J. Fry. Fleb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative? Fry: That's right. Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code. :watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies. Nudar: It's in his pants! Fry: What the hell are you talking about? :rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tattoo of Bender smoking a cigar :The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off '''Nudar a laser to Farnsworth's head': Faster, faster! Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can. :hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not? :presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy. Bender: Who the hell is he? Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one. :back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode "God": Huh? :green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender Fleb: A time sphere. Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel! Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass? Fry: It was bound to be somewhere. Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history. Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons! :scammers and Bender laugh evilly. :rides in on a guinea pig Nibbler: Stop, you fools! :swallows the guinea pig whole Amy: What's going on? Farnsworth: What is happening? Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk? Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder. Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous. Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max. Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe! Nudar: Got it. Two or three times. Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack! :squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens ???: Hey! That tickles. Nudar: And the pitch! :grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday! Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey! Nibblonian: Scamper! :nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes Zoidberg: Aawww... Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed! Fry: Can I pull up my pants now? Nibbler: Dooooooomed! :TO BE CONTINUED... :Credits. Category:Season 5 Scripts Category:Transcripts Category:Movie Transcripts